Sweaty fun with satisfaction guaranteed... Introducing Boot Camp!

A girlfriend at the gym once announced mid treadmill sprint session that 'we girls don't sweat, we sparkle'. Glancing down at my patchy grey workout attire I couldn't quite keep a straight face; I definitely fucking sweat. On a scale of 'incontinent drowned rat' to 'sparkling seductress' I'm a rat and damn proud. But then unlike my 'shimmering' female counterpart, I go to the gym to exercise more than just my fluttering eyelashes...

Anyway. The purpose of this background story wasn't so much to inform the world of my sweating problem but to emphasise I'm certainly not fazed by a gruelling workout. Ergo, I’m not exaggerating when I say Saturday morning Boot Camp renders me unable to walk properly for 3 to 4 days. MINIMUM.

Having affectionately coined the class 'Booty' camp, (due to the horrendous amount of time spent in a squat position) I’m expecting Kim Kardashian style results any day now. And it’s not like there haven’t been sacrifices; I completely abstained from the delights of an open bar last Friday night (YEAH you read that right) in anticipation of Boot Camp’s sprightly 9am start.
Sad?  Tick.
Sensible? Tick.
Sore? BIG FAT TICK.
I should really start by divulging some vital information:

This class is not for the faint hearted. Really, it will kick your ass and you will want to die. And the pain isn't over post-workout. Day to day activities will be jeopardized and getting comfy in bed at night takes a whole lot of wriggling around. Oh and you can leave your dignity in Studio 2 as walking down the stairs just isn't going to happen.

After a few classes though, you're gonna forget how it feels NOT to be in pain every move you make... and what you don't remember, can't hurt you right?! Now I'm well aware I've made Boot Camp sound like the Hunger Games - but contrary to the gist of my review so far, it's actually kind of…fun? (I can hear your haughty scoffs of derision from here, but hear me out).
My first experience of this class was... harrowing. In a good way. As my workout-partner-in-crime Miki and I entered the studio we weren't quite sure what to expect. I remember thinking, 'I really hope this a good workout...I had Pizza last night'.
I needn't have worried.
Tibor, the instructor, had us in for a world of pain. The "warm up" involved various methods of traveling around the studio in a circle (running, skipping, and midget walking for extra pain) whilst the main body consisted of splitting into teams and sprinting, bunny hopping, crawling and lunging your way across the room as quickly as humanely possible without throwing up and/or having an asthma attack. If you get through the class without either of these two things happening, you definitely deserve the obligatory ‘team high-five’ on departure. (Kind of cheesy, but also makes me feel like a cheerleader).
I really love to compete (sorry not sorry) and racing against members of the other teams - most of whom probably don't even realise my burning desire to beat them/couldn't care less/think I'm a psycho - means I push myself super hard. It hurts, sure, but it gets me out of boring Saturday morning errands and into the skinniest of skinny jeans so...who's the real winner here?!
Back to the workout, (uh-uh there's more), the final part alternates cardio, plyometrics and a whole load of push ups. Masses of motherfucking push ups.Oh and just when you decide pretending to pass out is preferable to continuing, there comes the delightful tradition of holding a squat position for 2 minutes straight. NO REST. Tibor's assurance that a 70 year old client of his completes this hellish task makes it pretty hard to moan and groan when he says "just a few more seconds". He's fit too, so there's that... (However you can take a break when he's not looking. Just make sure it’s well timed, there are mirrors EVERYWHERE).
And then just like that, you're allowed to un-squat and you can hear your own thoughts again. It's over, as quickly as it begun, twice as painful and three times as ugly. (Yeah you're gonna look ugly. Embrace it).

And boy do you feel GREAT. Don’t get me wrong, Boot Camp is an hour of hard graft, but it’s different to any other workout I've tried and I really love it. Hell, I love it enough to quit Friday night drinking. So A LOT. The studio is huge, the participants are friendly and the workout is damn great.What more could you ask for? 

See ya'll there?! ;)

Leila

GO AND VOTE NOW! (or later's cool if you're busy now)...

Just a quick mini-blog because I CAN’T BELIEVE THE NONSENSE MY EARS WERE JUST SUBJECTED TO (and writing this is a nice little procrastinate break from revision for my exam tomorrow.)

So I just walked the 2 minute walk to my nearest polling station, and cast my vote for the European and local elections. Now as aforementioned, I do have an exam tomorrow (A FINAL may I add which the rest of my life, career and future happiness could depend on) and I still took the time out of my day to go and put a couple of crosses in a couple of boxes and have my say in the running of society.

Now I appreciate some people may be hugely busy, have full time jobs, kids etc. but COME ON. Surely everyone wants to stand up and be counted as a member of society – anyone not voting today totally baffles me.

Which brings me onto my inspiration for this heated yet still reasoned (it’s NOT a rant) blog entry.  On my way back from voting I came across two neighbours of mine out walking their dogs. We got to talking and after predictable pleasantries the subject of the polling station (a mere 20 seconds walk away) came up. The two women told me they wouldn’t be voting today and proceeded with a rather novel three-fold argument as to why not:

 ‘We’re not into this politics lark’, ‘Politicians are all crooks anyway’ and ‘It doesn’t really affect us’.

If it hadn’t been for the two massive Labradors and their calming puppy dog eyes I think I may have been absent from my exam tomorrow and in custody instead for ‘Acts of violence against morons’. (Yes I’m aware that’s not actually an offence in law, but it really should be.)

 Now it’s completely and utterly against anything I believe to separate men and women in matters such as these; notions of equality should obviously apply across the board -voting included.  Saying that, although the men not bothering to vote have no excuse, the women not doing so are actively regressing the cause of feminism. Women worked their asses off so we could enjoy this fundamental right; bras were burnt, there were hunger strikes, I MEAN IMAGINE BEING BOTH HUNGRY AND BRALESS?! No but seriously, not bothering to exercise this right after all the work women of the past put in on your behalf is a huge slap in their faces. Miss Pankhurst jumped in front of a horse for crying out loud, the least you can do is take a sunny stroll to the polling station and put your well-earned right into practice in her memory.

Even if you’re less than proficient in politics or don’t wish to support any of the candidates/parties, you can still actively abstain by marking your paper incorrectly; at least then you’ll have turned up to voice your opinion and avoided ‘societal outcast’ status by doing so.

 So to sum up – please can you all go and vote. Now. Except if you’re planning on voting UKIP… you stay at home.

Leila xoxo

#RevisionProbs #sos

It's that time of year again. That sneaky bitch of a season that sneaks up on you before you've even had time to colour code a revision timetable to brighten up your desk. It's April, you legitimately don't have lectures to attend and your exams are in...oh shit they're in May. BETTER GET CRACKING MATE (after Made In Chelsea repeats tho cos if your mind is relaxed you'll learn more right?).
So you make a big revision timetable (and use gel pens not just because they look pretty and smell nice but because colour coding helps things stick in your brain you know) and then you obv don't stick to it because revision timetables never include enough TV breaks - FACT. Then you feel guiltier and guiltier as days go by and you get more and more behind until you rip that fucker off the wall in a rage and then cry and make another one because procrastination just happens at this low point in life.
FRIGIN MAY. Man if I had a birthday in May I'd kill myself. Or just kill myself anyway because what's the point of living when fun is a dirty word and if you have it you feel bad because you should be revising so it just ruins your fun. So you just stay in and revise and well, that's no fun now is it let's be honest. ITS A VICIOUS CYCLE THAT CANNOT BE BROKEN.
As you're reading lecture one page one for the third time (because your brain is doing that thing where you're reading but you're not really reading) you're filled with regret at all the chances you missed when you were young and free and your life was completing practice essays by borrowing/copying someone else's dissertation you found on Google.
OH HOW YOU WISH TO GO OUT. Why oh why did you leave early that night just because your shoe broke and you had glass in your foot? MAN UP. Why did you sensibly stop drinking when you felt sick THAT'S WHAT VOMMING IS FOR. What you wouldn't give to be back out in the comfortingly freezing no-exams-in-sight winter weather with no troubles no cares and no coat and still loving life because alcohol jacket FTW.
OH SO FULL OF REGRET. All those missed opportunities and yet here you are two weeks into your revision timetable and still on day 2. You start to rap the words on your page to the tune of Slim Shady and dear God you sound deranged. Did you just applaud yourself? Ok you need a break you're going crazy. Why not just log onto fb have a quick browse clear the mind then get right back to it. Ooh everyone's online so you really don't have to feel bad - half an hour break it is.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK an hour later and you've stalked that hottie from the gym's photos back to 2009 and just accidentally liked his random picture of a cake HOW COULD THIS BE this is the single worst thing ever NOW HE KNOWS YOU FOR THE STALKER YOU ARE. What's even the point of revision might as well just book flights and leave the country right this second.
Ooh flights. You really need a holiday. Seriously your legs are the colour of the paper on which your dreaded revision notes are scrawled. After all this work you've been doing girl you deserve to tan. And you should really book in advance because that's when all the best deals are. WOAH LOOK AT THAT CHINESE FEAST DEAL ON GROUPON omg you need food. Like now.  If you just go straight downstairs make some food and then bring it up with you... Having something to chew on will really help you concentrate and even if it doesn't food's good for brain power and energy and GOD you feel like you're actually falling asleep and you really want a coffee but you also want white teeth OH THE TRIALS OF LIFE.
Oh fab. That's just FABULOUS. There is no food at all in this house how could your mum be so selfish. Oh it's cool she's going to the supermarket. You feel kinda bad for calling her selfish now... You should really go and help her tbh. Can't send her out supermarket shopping alone that would just be selfish and you're no hypocrite. So half an hour tops at the supermarket and you'll get right back to revision and you'll have had food, fresh air and you'll be SO focused. LOVING THIS PLAN.
Back from the supermarket. You eat all the new food. Like literally, you eat an entire jar of peanut butter how did that happen. Oh god you shouldn't have done that you can feel the fat appearing and it's MAY which means summer is round the corner. Ok you should definitely go to the gym this evening. And you might even see the hottie there and can explain your accidental Facebook 'like' this morning. Blame it on the cat or something? YES. Blaming it on the cat is PERFECT. That's actually such a great idea and it just came to you without even thinking - who needs exams when this girl's got street-smarts?
Fuck it FUCK IT ALLLLL let's just go to the gym get a hot body and be a stripper. Wait what?What are you even saying. OPEN YOUR BOOKS. Ah yes here we are lecture one page one LETS GO.
Ok now you really need to pee. And you're hungry again. When's dinner...?

God loves a twerker...

A checked gingham pony, giant twerking chicken and what can only be described as a deranged Winnie The Pooh all grown up (and definitely on something) - just a few of the WTF-worthy scenes irrevocably etched on my brain forever and for that Miley Cyrus I SALUTE YOU ️

Tuesday night kicked off the European leg of the increasingly controversial BANGERZ tour and boy was it banging. (Like literally, there was banging. Big pink stage bed and everything).

The queen of 'twerk' slid cowboy-boots-first down a super sized replica of her own tongue and greeted her 'Smilers' in true 'We can't stop' style with a big old affectionate expletive and display of tonsils. Crotch grabbing, car humping, a leotard made entirely of dollar bills and a twerking dwarf with impressive back-off; the thrills kept on coming. And just as you thought it couldn't get any weirder Miley motor-boated the girls. Not her own (don't be silly), but an Amazonian dancer's magnificent pair of double F's.
Now, I challenge you to tell me you don't wish you were there just a little?!

Alas, my sentiments weren't commonplace amongst those audience members of the Daily Mail persuasion; Annabelle Cole's boringly predictable article went as far as to suggest Miley's use of giant teddy bears and psychedelic kittens alongside her booty shaking shenanigans was a bid to 'suck in' and then 'sexualise our children'. This nonsense is coming from a supposedly intelligent(albeit retrogressive)woman. Is she seriously suggesting Miss Cyrus is on a one woman mission to corrupt the world's children? I'm like, Annabelle, honey, isn't it possible she just likes giant cuddly teddy bears? She's only human and we love teddies um HELLO have you seen the queue outside Hamley's at Christmas time? 

The lovely Annabelle went on to include 'kissing someone of the same sex' in a long derogatory list of things she felt Miley wrongly encouraged. Outdated even by Daily Mail standards, I'm not sure if her comments left me seething or amused by the fact she'd just punctured her own credibility.

Anyway, I digress. The point is, this was a Miley Cyrus concert for crying out loud. MILEY FREAKING CYRUS. The girl hangs naked on a wrecking ball and licks stuff. And not just hammers - panties, bras, a lot of shit gets attention from that infamous tongue (as demonstrated Tuesday night). She sings about getting high and wet, in that order. What kind of self righteous, stale individual buys a ticket for this concert and then has the audacity to complain of being offended? 

The tour is called BANGERZ with a 'Z'. Everyone knows that when someone uses Z instead of S they're pretty damn bad-ass... So to Annabelle and all the mothers complaining of their little darlings being scarred for life: I wouldn't pay to see my nightmare come alive in front of me Harry Potter style. In the same way, if you don't like her, don't go see her. It's pretty simple. 

In spite of the bunch of moaners though, most of us hugely enjoyed the thoroughly barmy, unhinged and entirely nuts performance. And yes Miley said the C-word and the F-word and wore a gold necklace with a marijuana plant pendant but we took this in the spirit of light heated entertainment BECAUSE WE'RE NORMAL. And we're not scared of bums and breasts and crotches since newsflash girls we've all got 'em. 

If I hear another audience member's appalled analysis of twerking then I truly fear for the brain power of humanity; Miley twerking on stage was about as the predictable as rain on bank holidays. 
Yes, she is an absolute fruit loop. She didn't remove her hand from her moo the entire show long (and I'd love to introduce her to the squat rack at some point) but damn that girl can sing, perform and captivate an audience like no other and I for one completely LOVE HER. 

Thank you Miley for putting on hands down the best show I have ever seen. If I had a pound for every person condemning my viewpoint I'd collect up all those pounds and go straight to the ticket office so I could watch you all over again.  

SMILER FOR LIFE ;)

Leila xoxo

(here's some photos)