It's that time of year again. That sneaky bitch of a season that sneaks up on you before you've even had time to colour code a revision timetable to brighten up your desk. It's April, you legitimately don't have lectures to attend and your exams are in...oh shit they're in May. BETTER GET CRACKING MATE (after Made In Chelsea repeats tho cos if your mind is relaxed you'll learn more right?).
So you make a big revision timetable (and use gel pens not just because they look pretty and smell nice but because colour coding helps things stick in your brain you know) and then you obv don't stick to it because revision timetables never include enough TV breaks - FACT. Then you feel guiltier and guiltier as days go by and you get more and more behind until you rip that fucker off the wall in a rage and then cry and make another one because procrastination just happens at this low point in life.
FRIGIN MAY. Man if I had a birthday in May I'd kill myself. Or just kill myself anyway because what's the point of living when fun is a dirty word and if you have it you feel bad because you should be revising so it just ruins your fun. So you just stay in and revise and well, that's no fun now is it let's be honest. ITS A VICIOUS CYCLE THAT CANNOT BE BROKEN.
As you're reading lecture one page one for the third time (because your brain is doing that thing where you're reading but you're not really reading) you're filled with regret at all the chances you missed when you were young and free and your life was completing practice essays by borrowing/copying someone else's dissertation you found on Google.
OH HOW YOU WISH TO GO OUT. Why oh why did you leave early that night just because your shoe broke and you had glass in your foot? MAN UP. Why did you sensibly stop drinking when you felt sick THAT'S WHAT VOMMING IS FOR. What you wouldn't give to be back out in the comfortingly freezing no-exams-in-sight winter weather with no troubles no cares and no coat and still loving life because alcohol jacket FTW.
OH SO FULL OF REGRET. All those missed opportunities and yet here you are two weeks into your revision timetable and still on day 2. You start to rap the words on your page to the tune of Slim Shady and dear God you sound deranged. Did you just applaud yourself? Ok you need a break you're going crazy. Why not just log onto fb have a quick browse clear the mind then get right back to it. Ooh everyone's online so you really don't have to feel bad - half an hour break it is.
Fuck fuck fuck FUCK an hour later and you've stalked that hottie from the gym's photos back to 2009 and just accidentally liked his random picture of a cake HOW COULD THIS BE this is the single worst thing ever NOW HE KNOWS YOU FOR THE STALKER YOU ARE. What's even the point of revision might as well just book flights and leave the country right this second.
Ooh flights. You really need a holiday. Seriously your legs are the colour of the paper on which your dreaded revision notes are scrawled. After all this work you've been doing girl you deserve to tan. And you should really book in advance because that's when all the best deals are. WOAH LOOK AT THAT CHINESE FEAST DEAL ON GROUPON omg you need food. Like now. If you just go straight downstairs make some food and then bring it up with you... Having something to chew on will really help you concentrate and even if it doesn't food's good for brain power and energy and GOD you feel like you're actually falling asleep and you really want a coffee but you also want white teeth OH THE TRIALS OF LIFE.
Oh fab. That's just FABULOUS. There is no food at all in this house how could your mum be so selfish. Oh it's cool she's going to the supermarket. You feel kinda bad for calling her selfish now... You should really go and help her tbh. Can't send her out supermarket shopping alone that would just be selfish and you're no hypocrite. So half an hour tops at the supermarket and you'll get right back to revision and you'll have had food, fresh air and you'll be SO focused. LOVING THIS PLAN.
Back from the supermarket. You eat all the new food. Like literally, you eat an entire jar of peanut butter how did that happen. Oh god you shouldn't have done that you can feel the fat appearing and it's MAY which means summer is round the corner. Ok you should definitely go to the gym this evening. And you might even see the hottie there and can explain your accidental Facebook 'like' this morning. Blame it on the cat or something? YES. Blaming it on the cat is PERFECT. That's actually such a great idea and it just came to you without even thinking - who needs exams when this girl's got street-smarts?
Fuck it FUCK IT ALLLLL let's just go to the gym get a hot body and be a stripper. Wait what?What are you even saying. OPEN YOUR BOOKS. Ah yes here we are lecture one page one LETS GO.
Ok now you really need to pee. And you're hungry again. When's dinner...?
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