How to go to the gym and not be despised

Haven't done a fitness post in a while, but, it's party season - and you know what that means.
Christmas (pudding) is around the corner, New Year (booze) is a-knocking and before you know it you'll be stuffing your face with chick/bunny shaped chocolate then moaning you're not swimsuit ready. Off to the gym you'll drag your squat-deprived ass. Time to get lean, mean and sexy. A few weeks in and you're a fully-fledged, lycra-clad fitty. Flexing and sweating has never looked so good - got it down to a T, you fitspo, you.
Except maybe you don't, really. Maybe you're 'that guy' or 'that girl' - the bane of every gym goers life. Don't fancy being the social outcast?
Listen up and learn some etiquette from my extensive what NOT to do at the gym list; You're welcome.


 1) Curls in the squat rack - This is punishable by death (so I've heard). I won't pretend to be an expert on curling or squatting in any sort of rack - I'm all good with the floor. But still, it really pisses people off... and you want to fit in and make gym buddies for life don't you?!

 2) Save a shitload of bikes for your friends/friend's friends/neighbours and that nice lady you got coffee with that one time.
This is I think the most annoying thing probably ever. EVER. Not only do you have to creep out of lectures/meetings/everyday goings on at 1 o'clock everyday to book next weeks class, you've got to turn up half an hour before the class even starts just to guarantee yourself a bike to spin on. Coronary inducing stuff. You thought the gym was going to be a place to relax, unwind, generally improve your well-being? Think again. Get ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid getting stuck with the bike under the air-con.

3) Grunt like you're giving birth (or worse). Yep, thats a hell of a lot of weight, you're pretty hardcore. But I don't need to hear you from half-way across the gym. I'd say something to your face if you weren't three times my size, but you are, so I'll just moan behind your back.

4) Talk about your workout routine/personal training programme under any circumstances. No one cares. Actually scratch that. It's WORSE than no one cares, it's pretty damn annoying. Your 'zillion kg weighted super-sets' aren't big, aren't clever, and - lets be honest - aren't strictly accurate are they. (I've seen you and your predominantly green/yellow bar in body pump class).

5)Repulse anyone with your ungodly stench.
Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration right? Cool. Just make sure that success is 100 percent sweet smelling. Deodorant is SO on trend right now.

6) Flex your guns, pose and/or lift your shirt up revealing trojan-like abs of steel.
Don't be that guy (or girl). Yes, that's you in the mirror. Yes, you look great. Congrats! But the gym is not the time or place to check yourself out, or indeed stick your ass out and invite others to admire longingly. That's what instagram's for, duh! Go home, get yourself a full length mirror and a camera phone and have at it.
Following on from the above. Ladies, put your freaking hair up. And take off your hoop earrings. There ya go.

7) Use cheesy vom-inducing chat up lines when I'm trying my best to work out and ignore you.
 "Oh hey, you have great thighs, can I show you a awesome all over thigh toning exersise?"
"erm sure" (contentiously)
"It's really a partnership exersise..."
Well, you get my drift. Not okay - (Unless you're super-hot and just the right amount of arrogant that you can totally carry off lines like these).


and last but by NO MEANS least...

7) Let it all hang out in the changing rooms.
Seriously! Why oh why do people do this?! And, without meaning to sound like a judgemental bitch, why is it always the wrinkly, saggy biddies who insist on having it all on show?!
If you insist on being naked, PLEASE don't talk to me whilst drying/ touching your naked self in any way. Its just awkward. Oh and hair dryers are for drying the hair on your HEAD.

Follow these rules and you're well on the way to making friends who will save you a front-row bike in spin-class (if you can't beat 'em join 'em, right)

Good luck fitty!

Leila xoxo